Sunday, March 17, 2013

The Fine Art of Toothpick disposal.

Apart from common challenges such as getting the non-veg platter serving steward to make frequent rounds towards your gathering of stags or even getting a table closest to the bar there are few others tests that an Indian may face as big as disposing the toothpick which has no meat or any other vegetarian fare wrapped to it. Now if only they were a cigar that you could wield with the dexterity of a Swedish masseuse in your fingers things would have been different.

Fear not, for I have keenly observed how several other stags dealt with the same managerial issue. My keenly observant self-rushed to document the same with an eye as keen as an Infosys project manager documenting processes at an offsite deployment.

Here are the 2 ways that you can combat the issue of the bare food stick at any gathering:

Equated Monthly Instalments or the Goat dropping style: No, finance companies have not got anything to do with this and neither do goat droppings; it’s just the disposal of the toothpick that is quite similar to how these two functions work. You feel sad when you pay instalments and you feel happy (if you are the goat that is feeling lighter) after shooting out fume heavy pellets of such amazing design similarity that can make an Italian car designer go grey or closer home a Bengali Art director resign. The feeling here is the former.

  • Step 1: Flip the toothpick between the index and the fingers on its either side.
  • Step 2: With a slight compression on its centre of not more than 1 PSI the toothpick must break into 4 parts.
  • Step 3: Walk to the closest table which has the loudest members of the opposite sex seated (they tend to gather together). Drop a few compliments and a few shreds of the toothpick too. (Get the goat dropping bit now? Yeah, you sly smiling lucky bastard)
  • Step 4: In case you still have a few of the pieces remaining walk up to the nearest wall. Stand against it (don’t face it; that would be plain idiotic) as though looking out for someone. Quickly discard the remaining balance in your account and wave to that imaginary soul. Now walk towards him with open arms and fingers. You’re free.

Jo Mera hai who tera honaich padega: This is one sick cheap method. We all have friends who look at the snack stewards like kids from a draught plus disaster plus famine struck geography. Now these guys try and stab at least three meat balls or harabara kebabs (it’s this veg dish that tastes like soaked sponge to a non-vegetarian like me) which can make it to a Guinness world record but won’t for records like this one are rejected there and taken in by Limca book of world records. So these dudes always love a favour relating to food and their toothpick wielding back stabbing friend stabs and extra one with his spare toothpick.

Now am all cool with recycling but this friend picks only the additional snack on his platter and not a separate toothpick.  Yep, he uses the same old toothpick he had spent time with between his fingers and teeth while it swirled in wait for another snack of choice to come by. When it did not, it was passed on like gifts from an old lover. It also paused and rested on his lips to take a second while someone made a point and he pondered like a pseudo art critic at a gallery in South Mumbai.

Bloody tooth prick friend.

Never ever grab a snack from someone else at a party. Ever.
Unless it’s me. 
I follow the code.


P. said...

Trust you to come up with something like this!

But 'tis true - I have often struggled with disposing said item, and am very happy to take your advice on not grabbing snacks from anyone else. EW!

Akshay Brijkrishan said...

Boy am I glad PC.

Sheetal said...

Never ever taking snacks off toothpicks that I have not scored myself ever again! U just killed marriage time snacking for me ya... and that was the only thing I ever went for! Now I will only look at people - wait for them to finish off the snack and try and figure out their modus operandi of TP disposal!